Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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