How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
