im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
