Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
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