Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
