You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
