So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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