she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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