I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
