i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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