im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
