My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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