so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
