I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
