I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
