i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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