I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
