Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
