Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
