I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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