No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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