New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
