Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
