i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
