Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
