I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
