They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
