after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
