i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
