Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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