theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
