I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
