yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
