I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
