i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
