remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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