you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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