obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
