if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
