I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
