new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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