'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
