the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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