and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
