I am midnight drunk by noon
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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