I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
