Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Can i not drive my cunt home
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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