Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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