I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
