'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
