There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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