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Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
