I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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