So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I currently don't understand fingers.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
